"When I was as old as you ..."

“When I was as old as you are now, I used to …blah blah blah “or “When I was a kid…blah blah blah”

I have hated the statements beginning through the above written words throughout my childhood and I hate them even today. Parents are parents and they keep on repeating such sentences even if they know their children don’t care. Such sentences have never affected me but they have proved useful to me whenever I had a chance to gossip about parents with my classmates. But it wasn’t just me; everyone I know keeps on hearing this now and then. I do not need to explain how irritating it is because I assume you’ve been a victim too. No? Believe me you are the lucky one then.

Anyway I am not going to tell you what all I have heard because it’s the same story at everyone’s home. But what makes me write about it is that lately I have been using such sentences too. Shocking??? I know; I’m shocked at myself. Every time I state something like this, I think “Oh come-on, I am just 18 and not 80” but still I can’t help it.

It’s been a few months that I have been in Delhi and have got the opportunity to see my cousins’ study. And I am shocked.

 My brother and I have been the type of kids who read completely on their own without the help of their parents. It’s not that our parents did not pay attention towards our studies but they did not learn the answers by heart with us. They would give us orders and we would follow them without any complaints and as we grew up we made our own orders and aims which were completed by the end of the day. No matter how difficult our assignments had been; we had to do it on our own. They would guide us now and then but never have they, till today, made our assignments which ended up making us independent at an early age. So it can be said that our performance in school and now in college has always been the result of our own work. Even my parents believe that they had not played much role in our study life. We were always on our own and today I really appreciate it. In a long run, it has helped me a lot and would help in future too.

And here I am seeing my brothers relying highly on their parents for studying and other stuffs. It’s like they would not even sit on their own to study. No matter how much I try to think it as normal I can’t.  My uncle and aunt help them in their assignments, though they don’t make it. But even this shocks me. In a way, I really appreciate it but there’s always a ‘’but’’ because it’s not the way I was brought up. It’s nothing new I am seeing but it’s just that I never expected to see it in my own family. And what I feel bad about is that no matter how much my aunt tries to help her kids, my cousins have to crib about something or the other. They don’t even have exams like I used to have, 100 marks has diminished to 50, subjective has been replaced by objective, no short notes in history, no 5/6 marks question and the 1^st exam you appear is in 6^th grade.

The way I view it, I think these days’ students are really lucky but still they have to crib??? Someone please give them the question papers that we used to have. All I think of is it’s not fair. And then I start singing, “You know when I was in 6^th grade I used to blah blah blah..” or “When I was like you I never felt the need to learn Sanskrit, I enjoyed it and blah blah blah..” or “You’re lucky to have such an exam pattern because in our days…blah blah blah again” and I don’t stop. And believe me every time I say so, I am reminded of my parents who used say so all the time. I know that my cousins’ look says, “I am irritated, would you please stop?”  I know he does not care just like I didn’t but I would not stop. I keep on reminding myself that I should stop behaving like an old complaining lady but that simple slows me down.

In the end I realize that it’s neither my cousins’ fault nor mine. It’s just the generation gap and the changes. He is a 21^st century boy and I am from the 20^th century which obviously creates a void. But anyway I have to accept the change and stop speaking those irritating statements all the time. And now I certainly realize why my parents used to say those statements when I used to crib but no matter how much I try to understand, I am sure I will surely get pissed by it even now. One thing I know now is that it’s not just a parents’ problem.

Some things never change; it’s just passed to the next generation. I’m pretty sure that someday even my cousins would use such statements. Do you agree?

Distance...Doesn't Matter ;-)

I had always been the girl who used to believe that long distance relationships do not work when love is involved. That’s stupid, isn’t it? I mean where is the place for a relationship if there’s no love between people? You have friends and you have family and you love them in a no-matter-what way. My thoughts have always been stupid but I didn’t know that people around me are as stupid as me because they always agreed with me which always assured me that I’m right when I wasn’t. So which relationship am I talking about? Is it the one when you admit after a lot of ‘why(s)’that you’re in love or the ones in which you have the love from the very beginning yet fail to realize it like with your family and friends. I guess I’m talking about both.

The few months, after school is over and the college is yet to begin, are the hard times for each and everyone who is in a relationship and school was their only place of meeting. I hope you agree because that’s what I have noticed in last couple of months.

“She is busy in household chores in order to help her mother and he is texting her every other minute and not getting her reply. She gets some time free, reads all his messages and replies back with Sorry(s) but he is hanging out with friends. He gets no reply when he wants it, she gets no reply when she texts. She calls and his mother is in his room, he calls and she’s got no privacy.”

Source- Google

The excitement of messaging and talking in no-matter-what situation seems to fade which at times brings the thought in one’s mind that probably the love has faded too. With the geographical distance increasing between them and the poor communication brings the thoughts of breaking up. And those who actually follow this thought weren't brave enough to love someone at the first place, I would say. What did they expect when they committed to each other, that there would be happy times forever as in the climax of a fairy tale? That’s not fair. Hard times are a way to know how strong one’s relationship is. All they need to do is remember that such a time wouldn't last forever. My friends say this is the stuff which looks good only in books but frankly speaking believing in that single statement gives you the courage to really get over it. But anyway who am I to say, it’s their choice to choose whatever they want- a bit of patience or a heart breaking break up followed by depression. As for now, if I had to face such a situation then I would have liked to be patient. I can’t say the same about the past and the future though; I’m an unstable person actually.

Now in case if you’re thinking if I did not believe in long distance relationships then how come I say all the above. I have a reason. One of my really close friends shifted to a place which was far away from the place where she was initially living. I wasn’t there to say good bye to her, I was out of town and in a way felt good because I’m bad at saying Goodbye(s). We stayed in touch though. It wasn’t like we talked and chatted every day/every hour; we usually talked once in two months or so and when we did it was for over an hour and eventually I found out that our friendship had grown a lot stronger than it was earlier. It took me a lot of time to realize because obviously my mind was filled with the myth about long distance. But once I started believing in it, my beliefs grew stronger. There are some friends with whom I talk once in a year but I still never have the feeling that we have been apart. It’s what you believe in creates the magic, I think.

It’s been a week or more that I have been away from my family because I had to shift to Delhi in order to do my graduation. My grandmother once cried saying that kids go away and make friends and forget that their parents are left all alone at home and similar stuffs and that made me think about it. Yes, I always keep thinking. I realized perhaps she is right. We make friends, make a new world and our parents still wait for the moment when they would at least talk to us. In the last week I have felt homesick quite a many times but that was not when I thought about HOME instead that was when I thought I was AWAY from HOME. The word AWAY created a big difference.

So finally I decided that no matter what happens, even if I miss the scolding of being lazy or being on FB all the time, I would not think about being away from home. Geographically my home is probably 1352.4 Km via road but for me it’s just a phone call away. I make a call and I listen to my parent’s and grandparent’s voice. We talk and share and thanks to my good imagination which enables me to see the expressions on their faces when we talk.

So am I really that far away from my family and friends? I don’t think so. And no matter what relationship you share with the other person, it grows stronger with distance if you really believe in the magic that your relationship shares. Distance surely makes the hearts grow fonder and you in fact really start to know how important that person actually is in your life. And in case you’re a believer of long distance relationships do not work then give your belief a thought again because Distance doesn’t matter.

Science to Arts??? HaHaHa :D

"I am neither getting into any medical college nor I am going to drop a year for preparation. I did not study in last 2years,so, what makes you think I will open the biology book again after all these months. I think I would be doing English (Hons) now."

Friend No. 1 -
"You're interested in reading and writing so English seems good for you but yaar whatever it is but thinking of changing the stream from Science to Arts is such a shameful thought. I mean if you do so, what was the profit of reading PCB? I can't think of it. Log kya kahenge?"


Friend No. 2-
"Oye majak hai kya? You read biology for 2years and now you are talking of English? What the hell are you thinking?"

Friend No. 3-
"What? English? HAHAHA. You're opting for medical, isn't it? English? HAHAHA "

Friend No. 4-
"What are going to do after graduation then? Be a teacher? LOL"

Relatives-
"You're our only hope. When it comes to being a doctor, we expect it from you. Don't you like biology? You said you wanted to be a doctor, then how come you're thinking of English? Anyway, nothing is in our hands. You never know what your destiny is."

You got me right; the above are a few reactions to my decision of studying English (hons) instead of Medical Science. Probably your reaction to the situation may be similar to one of the above, I think. Till now I haven't come across anyone apart from my parents and brother who completely supports my decision. That's what a family is for, isn't it? If that's what you think you'd enjoy doing and you're sure about it, then we're with you.


So let me just tell you about my tour from Science to Arts. It's a long one. Read only if you've got 'Velle Lamhe'   ;-)

When I was in class II/III, my English teacher often asked me to write 10 lines about 'What you want to be when you grow up.' I don't remember what I used to write may be teacher or something but I never wrote about being a doctor. Since class III to X, I had a number of ambitions like, astronaut, Choreographer, Actor, Music Director, Journalist and many more which were mostly related to the reel world. Being a doctor was something I hated. Reason? I don't know. It just never came to my mind. In fact I had made up my mind to never do any medical course but when have things happened the way I expected them? :P

Just when I thought everything was fine, when I was among the top 3 students of my class, when I thought that no matter what happens I will remain good at studies forever; destiny greedily changed my fate. I found myself away from school and studies at a hospital, which I hated at first, with saline drips in my hands. Being continuously affected by the side effect of my leukemia treatment I had announced to be an oncologist & to research about medicines and create a treatment without any side effects. I won't be wrong if I say that I was away from books for almost an year and when I was back I was left loose to study as much as I can, no extra pressure of being the best one in studies. At first, I had a zeal to prove myself but it started to fade as I was praised for doing my best in such a hard time which obviously led me to cloud nine and filled me with over confidence. After Xth I started taking studies loosely. I hated Physics, Chemistry and Biology more than ever. The only subject that interested me was English, initially because it did not need much reading, or so I thought. 

I have always been a reader, genetic it is, I think. Till 2008 my reading world remained confined to comics and short stories. In 2009, I was introduced to the world of novels to which now I'm addicted and in 2011, I  found a hope within me which said that I could even write myself only if I tried to. Being bad at expressing myself while talking and most of the times ending up with misinterpretations/misunderstandings, I started to express myself via writing. And slowly it became my escape from the whole world around me. If I'm upset- I would write, I am happy- I will pick up a novel, I am blank- I would choose either of them. PCM were forgotten by me when I was in the middle of my XII. To be honest, I did not care. I knew I no more wanted to be a doctor, it was temporary. Once my brother pointed out that I had no interest in medical I was just interested in my leukemia. I knew he was right but I failed to accept it then because somewhere somehow I was living under the notion that I would be a doctor. Everyone in my family had expectations, hopes and beliefs and I didn't want to turn them down, I did not want to hurt them and I also did not know what I wanted to do, So I remained silent. Being at CMC inspired me but as soon as I am back at home all the inspiration is gone.

Since January 2012, I spent every single moment struggling to know what I wanted, what made me happy which I could choose as a career. I had always been a confused soul. Most of the times I thought about being an actor as that's what I dreamed of the most when I was a kid. I also have stage fright which made me keep that dream aside. I started blogging and then came the thought of studying English. I shared this thought with my parents, they did not have any objection to that and said I could keep that as a back up. Wondering why they said so? Because I never said no to medical. I was afraid. Boards were over, I knew it was a disaster. Entrance time. I guess I have appeared every medical entrance in India. I was so irritated that I never opened the book to study for entrances, I knew I won't get into any medical college,I didn't want to, but still I didn't say NO. Finally when the results came up and I was selected in none I gathered up every ounce of courage in me and said the NO which I should have said long ago. 

Then the concentration shifted to English and my father also suggested psychology knowing that I had a great interest in counselling people around me. A few Google searches helped me to choose Psychology and English. And yet I was again confused between which subject I wanted more. So I appeared the entrance for both at Jamia Milia Islamia and CATE 2012. Falling in love with the Campus of Jamia I had made up mind to stay there for next 3years even though every one was chanting 'Delhi University.' Why these universities? Because Delhi has been the place where I have wanted to be always. It's kind of my dream city. Still my parents were not sure if I should be left at Delhi, so there came the thought of colleges in Odisha. And the decision was left to me again. Even though i wanted to be in Delhi, a weaker part  of me did not want to stay away from my parents. I was confused again. I spent days and nights simply thinking and coming up with nothing

I don't know what's so special about having THE DU TAG but anyway I was admitted in DU for B.A. (h) English the day after the night when I wrote my longest Diary entry and my brother has now named me Ms. DU Tag. I'm wondering when he would stop because I don't like it much. I never liked when I was the one being teased. It's obviously irritating, 

I studied Science in +2 with the hope of becoming a doctor and now I would be studying English Hons.  with the hope of becoming someone I would not like to mention. I don't know which of my decisions was right. Should I have continued in Science stream? I don't know. I am not sure if changing the stream is right or wrong but what I am sure of is that I don't want to live my life thinking what people would think. I don't care if someone considers it shameful. What I know is that I really want to study English and get lost in the world of literature, novels and writings but I am not under the notion of the course being easy. 

My life is a roller coaster of mistakes, confusions, late night thoughts, lessons, realizations, griefs along with joy and happiness. It's not a profit/loss statement. You don't need to be benefited in everything you do. What would life be then? I may not know what I actually want to be but I surely know what I don't want to be which would eventually lead me to what I want .It may take a lot of time and I am not in a hurry. All I want to say is seek everyone's opinion but in the end do what you think is right. You may not be right but what I have learned in past years is that you don't learn anything without committing your own mistakes. Never be afraid to commit mistakes but never repeat the ones you already committed.

Manjil mil hi jaegi bhatak kar sahi

Gumrah to wo hain jo ghar se nikalte hi nahi

-I don't know who really wrote this sentence but I heard it for the 1st time from Akash Gautam and it inspires me a lot.

Be who you are, say what you feel and do what you want because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

:-)